Wanna hop in The Traveling Bonfires' road journey?

(1) EXPECT TO GET lost but don’t expect to be late for a Bonfires gig. Being lost is a given. But that shouldn’t be the reason why you’re late for a show-that’s unacceptable. So no excuses about being late. But then, common sense says we should avoid getting lost - so let’s try our best not to. You see, if we don’t drive extra, unnecessary miles-we save gasoline money, therefore we don’t spend more than what we budgeted for a trip. And, of course you are aware that being upset before a show (as a result of being lost or late) produces dark, negative vibe that adversely affects an otherwise cool performance. You get my drift…

(2) WE WILL try our darndest best not to starve on the road/destination-so we EAT! No ramen noodles or lotsa Mickey Dees, Arby’s, or Hershey bars this time around, definitely. I usually eat seafoods-the rawest, the better-but if you don’t, that’s okay. We can check out a Waffle House, that’s fine with me (just be careful with the slimy syrup). Remember what our grandmothers remind us as we head to an out of town trip-DON’T GET HUNGRY! BUT EAT GOOD, NO JUNK FOOD!

(3) EVERYBODY gets equal, democratic chance to play individual/personal CD preferences via the vehicle’s CD/tape player. But the Bee Gees and Eva Cassidy should be played, every 4 hours, unconditionally-yes, I am the boss, so no complaints (yes, that’s dictatorial, so?). I have three Walkman CD players-different colors-for you to use, just in case…

(4) OBEY ROAD signs like a wrong turn means firing squad. If you are the designated driver, and doesn’t know where you’re going-be humble, be honest. Pull over at an Amoco pitstop, take a leak, get a Coke or beef jerky, inhale-exhale, and then, courteously ask the deli/store counter girl that you can’t find your way (no, this is not the right time to hit on cute cashiers, hokeydokey?) Or call the hospitable souls waiting at our destination/Bonfires venue and ask for the right direction/s-that’s okay, cars don’t have brains-we do, we can follow directions. Even before that, let me remind the car owner/driver-it’s your homework to study maps and mapquest.com directions before we hit I-240. Please don’t experiment-a runaround/roundabout in Asheville might not be the same as in Fells Point, Baltimore or Lower East Side, Manhattan. And, yes, in the event West Virginia’s dreaded highway patrol flags us down - no, we can’t drop names like, “Thomas Wolfe is my greatgrandfather and I am Thomas Wolfe IV! Let me off this one, Sir?” or “Uhh, you see, Asheville’s Malcolm Holcombe is my uncle - and he’s the next president of the US of A, so please give us a break, officer?! Here’s his CD-you can keep it.” Look, with blaring, GOP-unfriendly car stickers like “Bush is a -!” or “Stop The War!” and Indie copies that virulently, consistently question US foreign policy nestling in the trunk - we don’t expect Washington DC cops to give us high-fives, either. We should be really, really careful about not breaking road rules. Remember, we aren’t going to be busted for a “I Hate War” bumper sticker. Ignoring a red light or getting a speeding tix do delay an otherwise cool journey, unfortunately.

(5) PLEASE, no overblown cellphone conversations with girl/boyfriends while we are on the road. I hope you aren’t joining the trip because you had a big fight with your lovey-dovey, and you need a some kinda break. But it’s always okay to call parents (or respond to their worried calls) - that’s a very admirable gesture. Don’t forget this - moms and dads might leave you inheritance money and/or the 40-year-old coffeemaker or Sanyo TV but your boy/girlfriends only leave you unpaid Blockbuster Video accounts, broken promises to pay his/her share of the rent, and dirty socks.

(6) SUBSTANCES THAT elicit cool trip but illegal/unlawful hassles should be discussed openly and agreed upon in a matured way-before the trip, if need be. There are no designated mothers/fathers in a Bonfires trip (who will remind us the do’s and dont’s or morally-sound, lawfully-smart existence) but only responsible human creatures who easily gets pissed but don’t necessarily bitch at you right there and then. A BIG NO-NO: We are relative strangers in our gig destinations/neighborhoods. Don’t wander around town while gigs are ongoing and go looking for a hot mama or superstud, or some awesome herb to sniff-please watch our shows while other performers are playing. Common courtesy, you know…

(7) THERE ARE NO superstars or rock stars in Bonfires shows, all performers are billed/drummed up/treated equally. Acts are placed in certain timeslot sequence as per individual time constraints and realities, advanced notice/request, and planned with a collective okay. I will cut your playing time to smithereens if you consume one-freakin’-hour tuning your Stratocaster or soundchecking your precious gears/equipment. We usually allow more than two hours for load-in/soundcheck - before the show - so be at the gig site. Otherwise, deal with it - 10 to 15 minutes soundcheck in between bands is all we have.

(8) DON’T EXPECT to earn money, but expect to have fun. Some shows earn, some don’t. But we should all come out in one rock and rollin’, fun-filled piece-with full tummies, satisfied hearts-after each tour. There are other cool stuff that your art/band/performance gets while on the road-other than the dough… of course, you know that. Paul Simon washed dishes down Bleecker Street while hustling a 20min gig in The Village, and Jack Kerouac hitchhiked coast-to-coast to gather materials for his novels and stuff, on the road. Let’s learn from those who survived it all to tell their tales… Experience with humility is the best, most effective teacher.

(9) DON’T EXPECT 5-star amenities in travel crash-pads. Sometimes I crash in a doghouse (dogs sometimes are better roomies than whiny human beings, you know.) I sleep in subway cars, terminal depots, backseats. If you want to get yourself a Holiday Inn suite, go ahead-but be at the gig site at least 30minutes to 1hr early. Refer to Item #7.

(10) IF YOU ARE performing, please rehearse, prepare your materials (print or memorize your poems, but don’t-damn, DON’T-read from your freakin’ laptop! in front of the audience!) Girls/boys in the audience aren’t impressed - they wanna listen to your poetry, so respect their time, please. Based on experience, I get the coolest girl in the crowd because of the humble nakedness of my words, not because I wrote my verses via an iMac. Also, prepare your handouts (chapbooks no matter it’s DIYs and photocopied a-la punk ‘zines, neat postcards that give leads to your website and upcoming gigs, demos/CDs if you have them)-we aren’t doing Bonfires shows as a one-time thing, promote yourself-they might wanna see you again. Remember, Anni DiFranco passed through this route before.

(11) REMEMBER, this tour is a Bonfires tour and NOT a tour to a voodoo museum or a moshpit date to a joint Barry Manilow/Motley Crue gig. We are hitting the road because the tour is both work and fun-a Traveling Bonfires tour. If you want to bring your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/grandparents/nannies with you, that’s fine, if we still good room-but oblige them to work and enjoy with us. I don’t expect to see couples rendezvous-ing somewhere, making out like virgin highschoolers, while the collective travelers are busy with the shows. This is NOT a date trip or a tourist jaunt, okay? If we want to visit a 399-room museum or reminisce at a fountain park where you made out with a girl/boyfriend many years ago... we can do that, that’s understandable - but without compromising the show/s.

(12) IN THE EVENT OUR HOSTS invite us to hang out with them, let’s try our best to oblige-not because it is a duty to do that or we are nice. We are doing it because we mutually enjoy the company. Let’s go hang out at a bar or coffeeshop. At their homes/houses, let’s wash the dishes, cook some dinner, fix our bed etc etc. Respect their sleep time. That’s spontaneous humanity.

(13) WHEN WE ALL travel as one, the person who owns the vehicle gets $50 upfront (for non-performers) and $30/negotiable (for performers). The Bonfires pays for the gasoline. The Bonfires pays for food (only if the co-traveller is jobless or student); if he/she has a job to fend for-let’s be one and share our individual food allowance together. And car/vehicle-owners, please remind yourself to check your oil, transmission fluid etc before travel day (that’s your car, y’know-hello?)-but if you don’t have ready cash for that, call Marta The Nicer Osborne, we will find remedies like we can dial The Blue Sky God/dess’ nokia and ask for last-minute loan… and, last but not the least...

(14) ONLY HAPPY souls join The Traveling Bonfires road trips. The Vagrant Wind Road Journeys aren’t therapy field trips or sororoty/fraternity initiation joyrides. This is the coolest gig on earth this side of the blues brothers mission. So don’t worry, be happy! Hop in! Right here, right now.